I’m deeply vibing on the crazy posters people are making for my new Netflix special. Bring them on - the weirder the better. Thank you for this one @onebyonepodcast
Am I allowed to just get married in this? What is with the “wedding dresses must be white” racket? Who makes these rules? Has anyone experienced a not white wedding dress and how did it go? Why didn’t we all take a fashion tip from the icon @sarahjessicaparker?
It really could go either way.
This is not how I saw my life going.
Fingers crossed the great @melissavcomedy and I are long lost twins so I finally get to call her my sister
Welcome to Hollywood
Tonight I am on @jimmykimmellive dressed like the maid from the Jetsons. We talk about robots, weddings, and why I’ll never be in Star Wars.
Wedding dress shopping is surprisingly hard and I rolled my ankle numerous times...but which one do you like? And thank you @amsale for letting me be such a dumb ass in your beautiful salon.
Okay this started as a joke but now this bitch is starting to take my gigs. She’s on @todayshow airing right now but the good news is that her performance is robotic
How many horses can you spot on this dress that I’m never taking off?
I found the only shirt I’ll ever wear again. Thank you @lelarose for being a genius and realizing that dogs should be on everything. Tag your dog people ☺️
There is a slight chance I did all this just so I could drive in the carpool lane. #canitouchit
I think I’m getting the hang of this Instagram thing: just pretend you’re busy and reveal too much.
Violet was sick of my robot stealing her thunder.
TWO more days till CAN I TOUCH IT? Streams on @netflixisajoke. Get ready to feel some weird things.
Hairy girl summer in full effect. #canitouchit
ONE WEEK till my new special CAN I TOUCH IT? is out on @Netflix. Share this weird ass poster and use hashtag #canitouchit, and I'll choose one of you lovely humans and record your outgoing voice mail message…
Ooh, do I get married at @wayfarers_chapel?! Help! I need ideas. Tag venues that can accommodate a lot of comedians and about 50 dogs ☺️
Just found this picture so I’ll guess I’ll spend the rest of the day staring into space. We miss you Brody. #enjoyit
Summer is my bitch. #dogsofinstagram
Okay, I’m thinking this whole technology thing has gone waaaay too far. #agechallenge
Everyone I know is on vacation right now and I’m inside working like a dog, but I’m desperate to fit in so here’s me on vacation last year trying to not get sand in my uterus
It’s Monday and you know what that means: put on a bra and a denim jumpsuit and get your shit together. Lmk your tips on how to get through a Monday because I am struggling and I don’t take adderall.
To answer your question yes I do have a sports bra with my foster Violet on it.
It’s summer and you know what that means: a bunch of outtake pix like this in our phones because where we tried so hard to be cute for the gram but then had a shame spiral for being fake as hell. Where are you taking staged pix today everyone?
Spending my weekend goofing off with this handsome donkey. What are your plans for the weekend honey pies?
No I was not cast in The Lion King but that won’t stop me from being in The Lion King 🦁
Violets reaction after not seeing me for two weeks (I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING.) She has more impulse control training with @steffenbaldwin and then we will figure out the next best steps for the wrinkle dragon spaz face.
My lil dumbass got stung by a bee most likely and her face blew up 3 times the size it normally is. Vet gave her steroids and antihistamine shot ... anyone else go through this? How long did it take for the swelling to go down?
How long do we think it will take for insta to take this pic down even though this doesn’t at all resemble the placement of my actual nipple? Now what @chelcielynnn??
For years I’ve wanted to meet and learn from the heroes at @pawsark2000. It was surreal and overwhelming to watch how they care for the elephants and humanely clicker train them so they can receive vet care. It sucks to hear, but I learned more about the aftermath of circuses, cub petting, and riding elephants. If you want to help, follow them, donate if you can and gently educate your pals. Don’t support sanctuaries who have cubs - that means there is breeding. Tag your friends who love animals 🐘
Banger alert. Anyone else have some good advice to get people through a tricky day?
Weed being legal in California may not be the greatest thing In the world for my insta pix?
Happy birthday to the sparkliest, funniest, giant hearted-est, talented-est, most genuine queen of unicorns the world ever did see. I love you and can’t wait to cry my head off when you’re winning your 20th EGOT. Send your love to @beaniefeldstein.
What it’s like to hang out with me in a nutshell
Finally figured out Violets breed: unmade bed. Can you even spot her?
Violet got a boo boo but the upside is that her cone looks like a dress, which is giving me a lot of invention ideas #sharktank I mean you’d buy a dog dress right?
Take a wild guess at what the question was? #matchgame
The Fast and the Furious